Getting Over Perfectionism and Honoring Our Postpartum Bodies with Sonia Dong
This week’s guest, Sonia Dong
Co-owner & managing director of Henkaa, and co-author of the book, Mama’s Gotta Grow!
Episode Description
It’s easy to imagine pregnancy and motherhood as this glowing journey, but in real life, babies cry. Children don’t sleep. Clothes don’t fit our bodies as they once did, and our brains work differently, too.
This episode is for the ex-perfectionists out there, like today’s guest, Sonia Dong. Sonia is the co-owner and managing director of Henkaa, a socially-impactful clothing brand and co-author of the book, Mama’s Gotta Grow!
In our conversation, Sonia talks about overcoming her perfectionist tendencies through gratitude, reflection, and celebrating the changes that motherhood brings.
Ex-perfectionist
Sonia, a self-described ex-perfectionist, is the daughter of immigrants who sacrificed a great deal for their children. It was important to them that their kids go to school and that they earn good grades.
Effectively, as a child, Sonia absorbed the idea that she had to be perfect at everything. It was not an easy or healthy way to be.
“You beat yourself up mentally, and you have this voice in your head saying, ‘you suck’, when you don’t do something the way you think it’s supposed to be done. And then the other side of that is, you don’t even try because you don’t want to fail, because you know, you might not get it perfect,” Sonia says.
Pregnancy did not go the way she thought it should. It was extremely uncomfortable, and so was childbirth. Sonia then read all the books she was supposed to read. Nonetheless, her newborn wasn’t sleeping.
Getting over her perfectionism is something Sonia is still working on, but she has come a long way. During our conversation, she talked about an especially proud moment she had while playing Bananagrams with her family:
“My eldest daughter actually said, ‘If we don’t fail a lot, we can’t succeed.’ And I was just like, ‘I’m gonna cry right now.’ It’s such a proud mom moment, that she has ingrained this concept into her life at a young age, because it took me, and it’s still taking me time to figure that out,” she says.
Henkaa – celebrating changes
Sonia had her first daughter in 2011, and was getting ready to go back to work part-time at an environmental nonprofit when Joanna Duong Chang, founder of Henkaa clothing brand, approached her and asked if she’d be interested in joining the team full-time.
Taking the full-time job was the right move for many reasons. It had been a year since having her daughter, and Sonia thought they both needed time – her daughter needed time to develop in a setting outside their home, and Sonia wanted to continue flourishing in her career.
Henkaa stems from the Japanese word, “henka,” which means “change”. The brand’s beautiful pieces can be worn lots of different ways and adjusted to fit our bodies as we move through pregnancy, postpartum, and beyond.
At this point in time, it’s been 18 months since my daughter’s birth, and I’m still finding my body does not exist in the same way it did. Instead of being upset about this change, the Henkaa brand is all about celebrating it. I love that.
Henkaa’s founder, Jo, passed away in 2019, and in honor of her, a foundation was created and they’ve donated money to various charities, including the Black Lives Matter movement. One percent of the sales through Henkaa go to the Joanna Duong Chang Memorial Foundation.
In the future, Sonia has big dreams to grow the endowment and create body positivity events that align with the Henkaa brand.
Reflection and practicing gratitude
How do you reflect?
Are you like me and Sonia, who prefer jotting our thoughts down in journals? Or do you bounce your reflections off someone – maybe a friend or family member?
Practicing gratitude through reflection has helped Sonia in combating perfectionism. Every day, she writes three to five things she’s grateful for in her journal.
Reflection is also important when working through things that didn’t work in her day. It could be an argument with someone; writing about the situation afterward helps her unpack what happened and how to move forward.
“I think self-compassion is really, really important. As a parent, to forgive ourselves and know that it happens to everybody. We’re not perfect, so we’re not going to act perfectly all the time. And the kids aren’t going to act perfectly, but we can have compassion for ourselves and for them, as well,” she says.
Learning to ask for help, from her husband and the kids, has also made a major difference in working through her perfectionism.
If she has a meeting in the morning, she might ask them to make their own lunches for the next day. If she has something she needs to get done for work, she might request they wait before asking her for homework help. “They actually have the ability to do more than you think sometimes,” Sonia says.
So I ask you, what 3-5 things are you grateful for today?
Notable Quotes from Sonia
“Self-compassion is really, really important as a parent. To forgive ourselves and know that it happens to everybody. We’re not perfect, so we’re not going to act perfectly all the time. And the kids aren’t going to act perfectly, and we can have compassion for ourselves and for them, as well.” (54:02)
“My eldest daughter actually said, ‘If we don’t fail a lot, we can’t succeed.’ And I was just like, ‘I’m gonna cry right now.’ It’s such a proud mom moment, that she has ingrained this concept into her life at a young age, because it took me, and it’s still taking me time to figure that out.” (42:23)
“You beat yourself up mentally, and you have this voice in your head saying, ‘you suck’, when you don’t do something the way you think it’s supposed to be done. And then the other side of that is, you don’t even try because you don’t want to fail, because you might not get it perfect.” (28:16)
Resources & Links
Explore the Henkaa brand on their website (including their bestselling Sakura dress!) and follow them on Instagram. You can follow Sonia at @soniadong. Check out the book she co-authored, Mama’s Gotta Grow.
Learn more about Project: Mom and follow us on Instagram at @projectmompodcast.
Do you want to share your motherhood journey on the podcast? Email me at projectmompod@gmail.com.