Matrecense, Postpartum Rage, and Coming Back to Yourself with Alison Ryan
This episode’s guest, Alison Ryan
A Mentor and Coach to Mamas
Episode Description
When we become mothers, we go through a transition similar to adolescence called matrescence, which is the physical, emotional, hormonal and social transition of becoming a mother.
A lot of us are juggling grief, joy, internal struggles, even sometimes anger as we reconnect with ourselves. And while this is all completely normal, it feels overwhelming, even impossible, to navigate at times.
In today’s episode, I go really deep with Alison Ryan, a mentor to mothers as they navigate early motherhood and help them prioritize mental health and well-being.
I have been looking forward to this episode for WEEKS, and am so excited for other moms to hear her story. Perhaps we can ask ourselves the question Alison asked herself that made all the difference in her own matrescence:
What if I put myself first?
Coming back to herself
Alison became a mother nine years ago after the birth of her first daughter. She wanted to do motherhood “perfectly,” which for her meant being a stay-at-home parent who did all the childcare herself. Two and a half years later, she had her second daughter. Both pregnancies were healthy home births, which I mention as her story has started off following this perfection narrative she desired. Yet, as many of us know, most things don’t go according to plan. This is where the experience started to diverge.
The difference after birth of her second child was the postpartum depression that set in. Some days she didn’t even want to leave the house. But what surprised her the most was the way her depression exhibited itself: as rage.
Alison had never been an angry person, and to experience these symptoms was devastating. Her midwife prescribed acupuncture and herbs to start. There was this story for Alison that medication should be a last resort; if medication was needed, then there must be something really wrong with her.
And while acupuncture and the herbs helped, they didn’t completely alleviate her symptoms. Her rock-bottom moment: breaking dinner plates in the kitchen sink, feeling out of her body and terrified of herself.
“At that point, I realized, there’s nobody coming to save me. I have to face this fear of possibly trying to take medication. And if I feel worse, I feel worse, but nothing could be worse than this, right? It was just so awful,” Alison says.
The change came with medication and enrolling her daughters in preschool, allowing the time for Alison to come back to herself. She spent many hours walking in the woods and listening to podcasts, including Vibrant Happy Women, hosted by Jen Riday.
“I remember listening to and saving episodes where there were moms talking about how putting themselves first was actually the thing that changed everything for them. To me, it was mind-blowing, the complete opposite of how I saw moms being, and how I was raised. I was not raised like that. I saw martyrdom in motherhood.”
Permission to feel
My story is similar to Alison’s – it’s how this podcast was born. I remember feeling angry and grief-stricken, mourning the person I was before becoming a mom.
For Alison, now, it’s simple. “You are not the same person you used to be, and there’s a huge process of grief with that. And I think that’s honestly a big reason why so many mamas get stuck in this place of struggle, because there isn’t this acknowledgement of how much life has changed.”
Alison enrolled in a business program and launched her own practice, coaching postpartum moms as they transition into motherhood. Through this, she learned that there was a name for what she experienced: matrescence.
When we become mothers, we go through a psychological, social, emotional, physical, cultural, spiritual transformation. And sometimes, as both Alison and I can attest, going through this transformation can be painful.
But what if we gave ourselves permission to feel all the emotions we’re having – even the bad ones?
“It’s okay to miss your old life. Like, who doesn’t? Especially right now, especially mothering through COVID. There’s a lot of taboo topics in motherhood, and a lot of self-silencing. And for a mama to feel like there is a space for her to just say everything that’s on her heart, it takes off so much weight,” Alison says.
Educating ourselves
I feel for women who don’t feel they have a safe space to be validated, which is part of why Project: Mom exists – to shed light on these feelings and normalize these conversations.
Of course, there’s no definitive answer on how to ease matrescence for future mothers. Everyone’s journey will look different.
Alison and I are both big proponents of journaling. For me, it allows a process of getting my thoughts down on paper and to break through the noise, especially frustration or anger. If you’re not sure where to start, Alison suggests downloading prompts from the internet or finding and following other people who journal on social media. We will be compiling a list of our favorites in the coming weeks. (Keep checking back here or subscribe to our email list to get the list as it's released).
For other women, the answers might come from immersing themselves in nature or discovering passion projects that give them purpose outside mothering. In fact, Alison says these jobs can feed one another, and make each of them more powerful and enjoyable.
“If you are a mama, and you are an entrepreneur, I just want you to know that it is totally possible to have success in your business and also feel deeply connected to your children. It can be a really seamless and beautiful flow,” she says.
Alison suggests checking out Mama Rising and being open about this transition you’re going through with your healthcare providers, support group and with yourself.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, but I’m hopeful that through this conversation, we can begin to educate and empower ourselves to be our own best advocates during this time in our lives.
Notable Quotes from Alison Ryan
“If you are a mama, and you are an entrepreneur, I just want you to know that it is totally possible to have success in your business and to also feel deeply connected to your children, and you don’t have to have one another. It can be a really seamless and beautiful flow.” (45:32)
“I remember listening to and saving episodes where there were moms talking about how putting themselves first was actually the thing that changed everything for them. To me, it was mind-blowing, the complete opposite of how I saw moms being, and how I was raised. I was not raised like that. I saw martyrdom in motherhood.” (14:29)
“You are not the same person you used to be, and there’s a huge process of grief with that. And I think that’s honestly a big reason why so many mamas get stuck in this place of struggle, because there isn’t this acknowledgement of how much life has changed.” (33:51)
Resources & Links
You can learn more about Alison and her mission to help mamas navigate early motherhood on her website, on Instagram, and Facebook, and for more information about matrecense, you can check out Mama Rising.
If you’re interested in working with Alison, join her in Reconnected, an 8 week group practice to help you reconnect with who you are as a mom and heal in your mind, body, and spirit. Her next program starts this week, July 8th!
Learn more about Project: Mom and follow us on Instagram at @projectmompodcast.
Do you want to share your motherhood journey on the podcast? Email me at projectmompod@gmail.com.