New dads: are we supporting them or are they getting lost in the shuffle?

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Welcome to today's episode of the Project Mom Podcast. Today's solo episode may feel a little bit different than the ones I've previously released, and that's because I want to explore the topic of new dads today.

Are we actually supporting them, or are they getting lost in the shuffle?

When this topic initially popped into my head, it felt right. I had and still have a lot of questions around this, one of them being, are our partners pulling back in fear of not doing it right or not being enough?

And I've got to say, this generation of dads is really impressive. They're breaking barriers and going against stereotypes. We're seeing more and more stay-at-home dads and more dads who are choosing to balance family life and work life than we've seen in the past.

I mean, let's think about the stories that they're being told from a societal perspective. Men have been shown that emotions are weak, that their role is financial provider or protector. I'm really grateful that I'm living within this generation of men who are trying to do it differently. They grew up with fathers who were, for lack of a better word, absent. Whether that be physically due to work or emotionally because they were taught to suppress those feelings. So I give these guys a lot of credit.

I do also recognize that some partners have a long way to go. Perhaps they haven't found the awareness yet that they can do it differently, that these stories around providing financially, fulfilling certain roles within the family unit are just that – stories. That they can choose to show up differently in their unit as it works best for them and their partner.

While I reflect on this from a perspective of empathy, I'm torn. I feel like my husband is fighting a losing battle and I can see it.

I feel bad because at times, I recognize that my frustrations with societal norms factor into his feelings of success or of being enough.

When I'm not in fight or flight mode, I can clearly see that this is a lose-lose situation that I put him in sometimes. But then, sometimes I find myself still over explaining that if I just say enough or explain it again, he'll get it. He'll get just how much he doesn't get it and that he'll never get it. But am I being fair? At times I want him to say, I don't get it, I'll never get it, at least not from the perspective or level in which motherhood narratives have infiltrated my stories.

I want him to recognize that he will never have to go through what I went through or am going through as a mom – The physical changes, the feeling as though my body is no longer mine, which, by the way, when does that go away? The pressure we feel to make the right decisions for our kids and then live with the decisions we've made.

Then let's talk about hormonal changes. Science proves that as women and moms, we are innately in tune and connected with our children, that we are wired to worry about them, their development, their basic needs, and the needs of the household as a whole. Like when we wake up in the middle of the night to the slightest sound on the monitor, but our partners are still sleeping beside us.

Then there's the mental load we carry to ensure the safety and thriving of our children, and then the guilt we also carry to get it done right. And while a lot of this is biological, we're also, as women, being conditioned through narratives and stories from society and its expectations of women as a group.

So I want to take the time today to ponder all of that from my husband's perspective, the narratives he has that inform how he shows up in our lives.

I do have to believe he's showing up in the best way that he knows how. So we must talk about our histories, our family stories, the way we saw these gender roles play out with one another and how as individuals, we must take responsibility for those histories and make a conscious effort on both sides.

We must choose to do it differently on both sides. But we have to do it differently together. And we must talk about it together or nothing will actually get accomplished.

But the question ultimately for me remains, as a society, are we showing up the best way we can for new dads?

Are we acknowledging the pressures put on them?

Are they pulling away and”doing less” because they feel as though they can't do enough or be good enough, so why try?

Or are we putting unrealistic expectations on them as wives or as partners so they're ultimately perceived as failing in our eyes and in theirs?

I truly wonder if that is why some of our partners pull away or shut down…because of perceived conflict or judgment from us?

And yes, I mean, I am a huge believer that it is also our partner's responsibility to acknowledge why they show up or don't show up the way that they do. But until they're able to shed light on that, the task feels virtually impossible. So is it up to us to reframe what we say, how we say it, and see if we can get them to show up differently for us as we empathize with them?

I mean, let's highlight again, right? This generation, this new wave of dads is amazing. They are breaking barriers. I bet most of us can relate if we have a present partner, how many times have we been told that they're such good dads, that we are so lucky to have such a present partner in wanting to be a hands-on dad, when in reality, they are choosing to equally show up as we are? Or, as equal as we can make it these days, there's always room for improvement or adjustments, but they are. They're choosing to show up in ways that our parents' generation did not or could not and I think we should really commemorate them for that, because they're going against narratives that were written for them way longer than they've been around.

So I applaud them. I applaud the dads that are choosing to show up differently than they've been taught. And I encourage those of you listening. How can you recognize your partner for showing up differently than they've been taught?

I don't believe from here we should just be grateful for what we have or accept our realities, but in turn, can we be grateful, empathize with the work our partners are doing, and still show up for ourselves, still shed light on the inequality that is playing out in our homes and ask them to step up differently?

How can we remember that our partners are on our team? That it's really the challenging kids or the stereotypes and stories that are the common enemy. Ultimately, we're in this together.

So I'd love to know, how does this resonate with you? Send me an email, engage with me on Instagram. Does this play out in your relationship and in your home? And as always, stick around for more guest interviews next week on the Project: Mom Podcast.