What I would tell myself… as a new mom
1) You matter. Enough said. Motherhood doesn’t equal martyrdom or self sacrifice. In fact I could argue, it shouldn’t include either of those things.
2) f you aren’t 100% thrilled, you can make a change. You can always change your mind. It doesn’t have to be this way forever, so what can you start now to make a change in the future? It’s safe to want to try something different.
3) Embrace the mantra ‘this too shall pass’. This phase of life isn’t forever so how can we trust ourselves to adapt our situation into something we love? This first 6m of my daughters life are a blur, I was too ‘in it’ to be able to be in my body and present. It hurt too much - that was my life. I kept just getting to the next day, hoping something would be different. The next time around, I’d choose trust and surrender. That this stage too will pass. Those hard days will pass so how can I be present for the good and move through the hard with as little resistance as possible?
4) It’s OK that you don’t love it - I felt trapped. I felt for the longest time that ‘it’ was on me now. I chose motherhood, I did this to myself. I must accept it, even if it feels suffocating. This sentiment has been coming to the forefront for me lately in a lot of social accounts I follow and in conversations I’ve been having with other moms and entrepreneurs. Just because we chose it, doesn’t mean we can’t think it’s hard or we can’t have hard days. It also doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do what we can to make our new reality something we love - whether that be with hiring physical support (like a postpartum doula or hiring a cleaning service) or setting boundaries and expectations with family and friends based on our new needs.
5) Ask Yourself: are you making decisions based on the opinions of others or are you making choices that are aligned with what is best for YOU?
6) Take shifts. If you have a partner on leave with you, take those shifts mama , and really lean into it. Make agreements on what will happen when your partner is ‘on duty’ and trust your partner to do their best. They’ll show up the best they can. It may not be exactly as you would do it, but it is their best and it’s most likely enough. And when you are off shift, trust and REST. It’ll allow you to show up as the best you.
7) Find someone you can trust and unload. Probably not your partner but a friend, a comrade in a mommy group, a doula, therapist. And get it off your chest. I kept so much inside that it came out as hurt and angry and resentful towards my partner who was NOT at fault in each of these situations. Saying it out loud, brings clarity and lightens it up a bit so find your person.
8) You can be frustrated, scared, uncertain, sad, angry, desperate and still be grateful. It can be hard and feel impossible some days and yet still be grateful.
9) YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You never have to do any of this alone. You have the power to create your support team. Throw opinions and societal expecations to wind, say F*ck It, what ever works for you, and build it for yourself. Anyone who doesn’t agree doesn’t have to be a part of it.
What else would you add?
xo, emily