How to ACTUALLY Show Up for New Moms

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Welcome to today's solo episode of the Project Mom podcast. I want to talk a little bit about something that is ringing very true for me right now.

I feel as though if I want to go out and do something for fun or find some additional time to work, I am responsible for ensuring that I can do it. And what I mean by that is if someone gifts me an experience or an excursion, or I am presented with an opportunity outside of the hours I've already carved for myself with child care, it is up to me to be able to execute that opportunity.

I recognize that this doesn't have to be true in every instance and that is okay, and it is my responsibility to stand up for myself and carve out this time for myself. But in order for us to change something that doesn't quite work for us, we must be aware of it.

So that's what this topic is. I'm pondering out loud with you all where this reality sits. And does it have to be true? I'm bringing this interesting notion to the table today for you all to contemplate with me.

This awareness started a few weeks ago when it was my birthday. I was gifted tickets to a concert, which is very thoughtful – it's an evening out with my husband. It would have been outside at the Rady's Shell, which is a venue in San Diego if you're not familiar, and it's beautiful. There's something about being outside in the evening on the San Diego Bay listening to live music that I've really come to prefer in this season of my life. Don't get me wrong, we still love and do those jam-packed concerts of my 20s and we will absolutely do that when Blink-182 comes to San Diego.

But the thing that got me was that it was on me, and not even really on my husband, who just got to benefit from this gift. It was on me to find the babysitter so I can enjoy my birthday present. It feels like an incomplete gift because I am now tasked with finding a way to execute this present.

Long story short, we didn't end up going. I had to give back my birthday present to the gift givers, who, by the way, we were also attending with, because we couldn't find a babysitter and not for the lack of trying. I spent the two plus weeks that I knew about this concert navigating the sitter fiasco, and all 10+ people that we reached out to couldn't help us. It is what it is in this season of life. I'm not angry, I'm not upset. Am I disappointed? Yes, absolutely. But really I'm amazed and curious about how we can actually just make this better for moms, for parents? Even though it was my gift, the execution fell on me.

I feel it's the same with the efforts of people who are supporting new moms in the postpartum period.

It's on us, the new mom, to tell them what we need and hope that they listen and support us in the way that we asked.

We must have the mental load to think through what needs to be done in the near future, whether that be laundry, bottle washing, dinner plans, grocery shopping, finding someone to hold the baby so he can shower, et cetera. Then we have to dictate orders and tasks to get it done. The load is held by us.

I will say, I was recently introduced to a service that functions very much like a registry for mom and it allows people to gift a mom different services, which I love. I guess about 70% of those gifts were experiences, massages. well-being type things, as well as doula services that you can hire for more support in those early days. I will say some were also meal services for like a week, and I did see some babysitting services on there that helped vet sitters, but didn't cover or have an option to cover any of the additional costs that are associated with hiring those sitters.

It got me thinking, how does this actually support moms? Yes, we get the hour massage, we get a therapy consultation on the dime of our friends, but we still have to navigate how to execute that support. We have to find someone to watch our new baby for that hour or navigate any dietary restrictions with the meal service because we're breastfeeding a sensitive tummy baby and we're in elimination mode. Doing all of this while learning and educating ourselves on how to be a mom to an infant.

For me, it feels like more work than necessary. So honestly, in the past, when my daughter was younger, I've just declined. I do have friends and family who are interested in watching my daughter so that I can have some alone time. Still, to this day, my daughter is two and half. They want to help, and I want them to help. But it's the level of effort to execute these ideas that really deter me. But it always just seems to be when it's most convenient or easier for others.

And fine, fine, as it should – I hesitate saying that because I wouldn't want to ask for people to drop everything for a desire that I have. But it does deter me from executing something when it's on someone else's schedule. So here we are in the same place that we started this conversation.

Are we really showing up for moms in a way that they need or just in a way that's convenient for us? This awareness has me evaluating how I show up for myself, but also how I show up for other moms in my life.

Am I communicating my needs and my desires so that those around me can have the chance of showing up in a way that I need most?

Am I providing support in a way that's only convenient for myself?

Now, I'm not proposing that we only think of others and put ourselves last, right? Hello, mother martyrdom. I see you. We're not playing that anymore, we're not into that anymore. But are we showing up for our friends when they need us most in a way that they asked? If I have capacity and possibility to adapt, my goal is to do so. So am I? Am I doing that? Can I reflect on that? How can I make my friends' lives just a little bit easier today in this one moment and still be supporting myself? How can I show up for my friends as I would hope that they would show up for me? What is possible?

I urge you to reflect on this in your own life.

Where can you be clearer on what you need or what you desire from your support system instead of waiting around?

Are you hoping that they remembered from last time or that they can read your mind this time? How can you show up for that friend who is in the throes of new motherhood in a way that makes things easier for her in all aspects of a task?

Can you bring her dinner and snacks for the week without asking her to give you a list?

Can you send her the list proactively and tell her to let you know if there's anything else that she'd want to add?

Can you set aside two to three hours to do her laundry, and I mean wash, dry, and fold the laundry before you leave?

Can you get her a laundry service and coordinate the pickup and drop off so that she doesn't have to execute this gift?

I'd love to know, when you are in the throes of this early motherhood postpartum period, what would have been helpful for you? What did you wish you would have seen but never received? Were there any pieces of execution that got lost in the gifting?

How can we slow down and think things through and see if we can make mom's lives just a bit easier today?

And I don't have all the answers. And I do know though that this curiosity really has me thinking about ways I can set myself and my friends up for success when it comes to having just a little bit more fun in our lives.

So I hope you all are enjoying season two of the Project Mom podcast. As I mentioned in the season two update that came out on June 12th, I'll be doing more solo episodes this season in hopes of connecting more with you all on these curiosities that I have around motherhood and entrepreneurship.

So I'm gonna leave this with you. I'd love your feedback on these episodes. What do you like? What do you not like? What do you want to hear, et cetera? Please send me an email at projectmompod@gmail.com, drop me a review wherever you listen to your podcasts, or engage with me on Instagram.